An Exclusive Guest Interview With The Late Alexander Hamilton

Alexander Hamilton makes some suggestions for his replacement on the ten dollar bill

The news that founding father Alexander Hamilton is to be replaced by a woman as the face of the ten dollar bill has received wide media coverage with mixed reviews.

Alexander Hamilton was chief staff aide to General George Washington. He was one of the most influential promoters of the U.S. Constitution. Hamilton developed the nation’s financial system and was the founder of the Federalist Party.

We question why this American luminary would be replaced on United States currency.

More importantly, we wanted to ask Hamilton himself what he thinks of the proposed change. So we broke out a Ouija board and asked Alexander Hamilton for his thoughts.

Stuffnobodycaresabout: First, thank you for talking with us.

Alexander Hamilton: You’re welcome, it’s my pleasure.

SNCA: Being dead for 211 years, have you been keeping up with developments in the United States?

AH: Yes I have. I’m just really glad I’m dead. This may be an understatement, but the country is not going all that well. All the politicians are corrupt megalomaniacs. Nothing gets accomplished in Congress and you are fighting the world’s battles instead of fixing what’s broken here in the United States. Your finances are a mess; you can’t keep printing and spending imaginary money that has no value. If any of the founding fathers were around now, they’d be sickened by the meaningless words that come out of your leader’s mouths.

SNCA: Well there’s a lot we could talk about, but let’s get right to the point of why we contacted you. Starting in 2020 you will no longer be the face of the $10 bill, a position you’ve occupied since 1929. The Treasury Department has stated that a woman, yet to be determined, should replace you. How does that make you feel?

AH: I’m not happy nor pleased with it, but I guess most people today don’t know anything about me. They see the name Hamilton and my picture on a ten dollar bill and they probably say “Who is that Hamilton guy with the ascot?” I think more people believe that Hamilton is Neil Hamilton who played Commissioner Gordon on the 1960s Batman TV series.

SNCA: Wait a minute — you’re familiar with TV and Batman?

AH: Oh yes; that was an amusing show. We watch TV on the other side. Anyhow, Americans collectively have a very short memory. I understand “they” want to honor someone else, but I don’t agree. It seems today’s society has become extremely politically correct. This is why a woman will be replacing me. Has there ever been an American woman who has had a greater impact on our history than me? I don’t think so. That may sound pompous, but it is the truth. Maybe the powers that be will decide to pick one of the “founding mothers.”

SNCA: Founding mothers?

AH: Yes, behind every one of the founding fathers was a woman. Nobody bothered to acknowledge them. My wife, Elizabeth for instance, gave me some of my greatest ideas. You think Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine and James Madison wrote the Declaration of Independence? Check with their wives! They’ll tell you who inspired the founding fathers. You don’t think Mrs. Jefferson was giving her two shillings about freedom to old Tom? The women had more to with all our founding documents than you realize. The Constitution — the women wrote it. The Bill of Rights — the women again. Franklin, Adams, Washington: they listened to their wives. It’s always been that way. But no historian wanted to talk about the founding mothers’ contributions.

SNCA: So which of the founding mothers would you like to see on the $10 bill?

AH: Truthfully none of them.

SNCA: Why?

AH: Honestly would you want to look at Abagail Adams, every time you pay for a venti latte at Starbucks? I wouldn’t. None of the founding mothers were that attractive. Neither were the founding fathers for that matter. But we men got the credit for shaping the history of this country and those are the people who should remain on U.S. currency, including me.

SNCA: This is very shocking. How extremely shallow of you, Alexander Hamilton. I can’t believe that one of the all-time great leaders of the United States would say such chauvinistic, blatantly piggish things.

AH: Look I’m not the one who decided to remove myself from the ten dollar bill. You want my opinion on who should replace me. All right. It has to be someone who is deceased and it has to be a woman. Let me think….You know who I would like to see? Since taking me off the ten dollar bill doesn’t seem to mean anything to most Americans, you may as well make Anna Nicole Smith my replacement.

SNCA: Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy model?

AH: Absolutely.

SNCA: That is preposterous. She wasn’t the brightest of bulbs. How is she worthy of being on our currency?

AH: Is it really preposterous? I would say Anna Nicole Smith perfectly fits the mold of who Americans admire. Americans now honor and worship those who have accomplished little except being famous for no reason, like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Americans have become more enamored of superficiality than ever before. Who would be better to represent the typical American psyche of today? Anna Nicole Smith, a woman of vast achievement and limited intellect who once said, “It’s very expensive to be me. It’s terrible the things I have to do to be me.”

SNCA: Well is there anybody else you’d endorse to replace you on the $10 bill.

AH: Look here my friend, you may as well put Lizzie Borden on the new bill. I don’t care. At least you can have someone from the distant past, who in many portraits is looking in the same direction as I do on the current ten dollar bill. Most people probably wouldn’t even notice the change. Americans are now so historically ignorant, even if they did notice, they’d just say, “Oh, Borden, who’s that?” They’d assume she was a suffragette or some other semi-important figure. Not an alleged maniacal murderess who butchered her father and step-mother.

SNCA: Well, we appreciate your candor and thank you for coming over from the other side to answer our questions.

AH: You’re quite welcome and God speed.