Author Archives: Bert

This “Conversation” Actually Happened On A Help Website

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A One-Sided Stupid Conversation With A Help Website

computer typingWhether its an appliance, a car or a computer, that you have a question about, there are “expert” web sites that will answer your question – almost always for a fee it turns out.

These sites claim an expert is available to immediately have a conversation with you and will answer your question. A pop-up appears on your browser with a name and avatar and asks you to type in your question.

You may or may not realize that most of the time there is no one on the other end conversing with you.

It’s a “bot” with an automated algorithmic program, which will do nothing but in the end try and extract $ or £ out of your purse. No matter what you type and say to the “helper”, you will get a response. Any user of one of these sites will earnestly type in their questions and possibly discover they are wasting their time by having a one-sided exchange.

How mush stupider could I get? Well read below. Here’s a transcript of a “conversation” I had with a music instrument appraiser’s assistant. This is the response I received to my “questions”.

The Conversation

Virtual Assistant avatarP*** Ma****ki, Musical Instrument Appraiser’s Assistant

Welcome! How can I help with your appraisal question?

You

I have a nuclear trumpet which when played sets off fusion bombs. I have some hydrogen and extra uranium that I can load into it. My concern is that I cannot play it on Jupiter without a car. I’m 5-years-old and considered retarded by my parents, Bathory and Dagwood. I’ve told them its not PC anymore to call anyone retarded but they are 116 and 111-years-old respectively. We live in the rubbish bin and it is very dark in here. Will you adopt my trumpet or me?

Signs Of The Times – Funny Road Signs

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Real Signs Seen On The Roads

Fire Danger Don't EVen Fart sign

“Fire Danger, Don’t Even Fart” sign in Arizona

With Photoshop you can alter anything. But all these signs purport to be real.

We’ve put in whatever information we know about the signs.

Funny soad sign in Wyoming

Road sign in Wyoming

Doesn’t this sign apply to most of Wyoming?

Billboard graffiti - God Listens- To Slayer!

Someone defaced this billboard in Cincinnati

Who knew that God was a headbanger? Continue reading →

The Woman in the First Row Behind Home Plate At Milwaukee Brewers Games? It’s “Front Row Amy”

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“Front Row Amy” Gets National Attention Sitting Behind Home Plate During The Milwaukee Brewers Playoff Run

She is there for every pitch – “Front Row Amy”

The Milwaukee Brewers are battling the Los Angeles Dodgers in the playoffs and the games are being nationally televised. This has led to a discovery for most (male) fans outside of Milwaukee.

Front Row Amy

You’d have to be completely oblivious not to notice there is a woman sitting in the first row behind home plate at the Brewers home games always wearing a low cut blouse.

You may think she is there to distract the opposing team’s pitcher. She is not. She has been going to Brewers games for over 10 years and her name is Amy Williams, aka “Front Row Amy.”

Amy is a die-hard fan. As a season ticket holder she attends around 50 games per year. In 2011 she moved to her signature front row seat and started getting “noticed.”

As she told OnMilwaukee.com in 2011, “What first got people’s attention was probably, well, you know, “the girls.” But, I think what keeps their attention is that fact that I am so passionate about the Brewers. Brewers fans appreciate the fact that I drive an hour and a half to games by myself, that I keep score, and that I really get into the game! The Brewers are my life during baseball season, and I guess that shows when I’m at games. I love them so much it hurts! And baseball is the greatest game on Earth!” How famous is Amy? Well she has a bobble-head available for purchase. I don’t know many fans who have received that honor. She also has imitators at Miller Park, such as this person, “Front Row Andy.” Getting to the ballpark Continue reading →

Losing Your Head, 19th Century Elevators That Decapitated People – 16 True Stories

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Fatal Elevators In The 19th Century

In the late 19th century quite a number of people lost their heads in elevator accidents. Most press accounts of the incidents were thankfully short. But a few of the stories were described in sensationalist and sometimes sickening detail. The most common headline, “Decapitated By An Elevator,” as you’ll see, was not very original, Continue reading →

How Historic Events Would Be Covered By The Media If They Were Written About With 2018 Attitudes

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If The Media Covered These Historic Events Now, It Might Read Something Like This

We view historic events with 21st century attitudes and ideas. It’s called presentism.

Reader warning: satire ahead.

 A Rampage of Sexual Harassment in Times Square (V.J. Day 1945)

As pedestrians watch, an American sailor celebrates by passionately kissing and sexually assaulting a white-uniformed nurse in Times Square to celebrate the long awaited-victory over Japan  photo: Alfred Eisenstaedt / Life Magzine

Crowd in Times Square celebrates V.J. Day photo: Ezra Stoller

As word spread that the Empire of Japan had unconditionally surrendered and that the war was finally over, pandemonium broke loose in New York City’s Times Square yesterday. Continue reading →

10 Baby Names That Will Not Be Making A Comeback

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Ten Boys Baby Names That Are Permanently Out Of Fashion And Will Never be Used Again

Actor Alastair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge

Baby names go in and out of vogue. Some cycle through long and short terms of popularity. Other names are popular for a few years and then fade into oblivion. At the end of the article see the ten most popular male and female names given in 1880, 1950 and 2017.

One of my close relatives was named Adolph. Unless you are a big admirer of the Third Reich, most parents would avoid naming their child after the Führer. Yet there are people who do name their children Adolf or Adolph.

For every Benjamin, Lucas and Jacob (2017 popular names according to the Social Security Administration), there will be “unique” names such as Jaxx, Reign and Ledger.

While many parents want to give their child a unique name, most don’t want a really weird or antiquated name.

Here are ten male names that will not be making a comeback in the 21st century.

  1. Ebenezer – You could call him Eb for short, but no one is beating down the doors to start naming their children after Dickens’ miserly character Scrooge.

 

  1. Preserved – Some verbs can be used as a name, but Preserved? Yes, Preserved was a 19th century name. Preserved Fish mentioned in the famous Hone Diary, was a merchant who lived from 1766-1846.

 

  1. Telemachus – A somewhat unusual name even for the 19th century. But there were people with this name in the United States.  Greek mythology not withstanding, a name that is completely unused today and for the foreseeable future.

 

  1. Grover – Maybe you are a huge fan of the show Sesame Street or the 22nd and 24th President of the United States, Grover Cleveland. If not, it is highly doubtful that anyone will be naming their child Grover in this century.

 

  1. Egbert – A name guaranteed to incite endless name-calling, bullying and ass kicking once enrolled in school. To be avoided at all costs.

Continue reading →

France Has Got Talent!

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Paris Acrobats Show Unusual Talent – 1953

Paris Acrobats April 14, 1953 photo: Acme

It would be nice to add some context to this 1953 Acme news photograph besides the date and title caption, unfortunately I couldn’t find any information on it. Not even if the photo was taken in Paris, France, or that is where the circus or performers are from. If the circus is from Paris, it might be Cirque Medrano. Continue reading →

Marketing To Consumers So You Can Get Less Product For The Same Price

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Look Closely And You’ll Notice Changes In Packaging

As late, great comedian Bill Hicks once pointed out, marketing is one the banes of human existence.

Marketers are people who find a way to monetize everything and convince you that you need things that you don’t. Or worse they assume many consumers have suffered a bout of amnesia, and will believe that paying more for less product is a good thing.

The rising cost of raw materials has driven companies and their marketers to slyly pass along their increased costs.

The understanding among packaging and marketing people is that consumers do not like price increases under any circumstances. Therefore if you reduce the amount of product you are getting and keep the price the same, consumers either won’t notice or mind.

Whether it’s coffee, cleaning fluids, potato chips, chocolate, canned vegetables or paper towels; packages have been shrinking.

Where else does six equal twelve, except in the Mr. Mxyzptlk math world of Bounty paper towels?

A few years ago Tropicana reduced the packaging of their juice from 96 oz. to 89 oz. and the 64oz. container to 59 oz.

I called the 800 customer service number and foolishly asked Tropicana why they had done this.

The customer service representative replied to me with a supposedly straight face, that customers wanted new ergonomic packaging and preferred less juice! Continue reading →

Hugh Hefner Will Be Remembered – New York Times Hatchet Writers Will Be Forgotten

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There Goes The New York Times Again

Attacking The Late Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner and playboy bunnies

Hugh Hefner is dead. Yet it took less than 48 hours for the New York Times to besmirch and defile the Playboy Magazine founder’s life.

In an article entitled “Let’s Talk About Hugh Hefner and His Political Legacy” the writers have come not to praise Hefner nor bury him but to throw dirt upon his memory.

Jennifer Schuessler along with New York Times culture writers Taffy Brodhesser-Akner, Amanda Hess and Wesley Morris wine and complain in their attempt to put a political spin on Hugh Hefner’s perceived faux pas and dismantle his social and cultural legacy.

The roundtable hatchet job on Mr. Hefner is the latest Times lunacy of spewing the paper’s vitriolic equalizing agenda into the record and rewriting history. The angry tone at this great man and his achievements are misplaced.

No one is saying Hugh Hefner was Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela or even Walt Disney. But Hugh Hefner was one of the most important progenitors of societal and political change in the 20th century. Hefner’s questioning of social mores and values made the world a better place. Hefner stood up to politicians, holy rollers and those who condemned everything sexual. Hugh Hefner was a hedonist, but he was an intellectual hedonist. If you doubt that, read the series of editorials Hefner wrote in the early 1960s entitled The Playboy Philosophy.

Continue reading →