This “Conversation” Actually Happened On A Help Website

A One-Sided Stupid Conversation With A Help Website

computer typingWhether its an appliance, a car or a computer, that you have a question about, there are “expert” web sites that will answer your question – almost always for a fee it turns out.

These sites claim an expert is available to immediately have a conversation with you and will answer your question. A pop-up appears on your browser with a name and avatar and asks you to type in your question.

You may or may not realize that most of the time there is no one on the other end conversing with you.

It’s a “bot” with an automated algorithmic program, which will do nothing but in the end try and extract $ or £ out of your purse. No matter what you type and say to the “helper”, you will get a response. Any user of one of these sites will earnestly type in their questions and possibly discover they are wasting their time by having a one-sided exchange.

How mush stupider could I get? Well read below. Here’s a transcript of a “conversation” I had with a music instrument appraiser’s assistant. This is the response I received to my “questions”.

The Conversation

Virtual Assistant avatarP*** Ma****ki, Musical Instrument Appraiser’s Assistant

Welcome! How can I help with your appraisal question?

You

I have a nuclear trumpet which when played sets off fusion bombs. I have some hydrogen and extra uranium that I can load into it. My concern is that I cannot play it on Jupiter without a car. I’m 5-years-old and considered retarded by my parents, Bathory and Dagwood. I’ve told them its not PC anymore to call anyone retarded but they are 116 and 111-years-old respectively. We live in the rubbish bin and it is very dark in here. Will you adopt my trumpet or me?

Virtual Assistant avatarP*** Ma****ki, Musical Instrument Appraiser’s Assistant

I love the notion of my brother’s old guitar having a history and belonging to someone famous. Maybe you have something valuable or historical. Let’s find out. Is there anything else the Musical Instrument Appraiser should be aware of?

You

My uncle King Tut but he’s not famous, well he has a bonding agent made of arsenic which dissolves in my nose when water is pumped through an oboe, as long as a Royal Mounted Policeman is sitting in an electrified bathtub at the same time as me. Then I can play trumpet.
Those are the ideal conditions necessary for a full concert with my nuclear trumpet.  I believe my trumpet to be unique as there were only 6,000,341 made with the nuclear option. I have been told by Florence Nightingale (my pet emu) that it could be worth more than the entire village of Hackney. Can you have me committed to an insane asylum or a Taco Bell?

Virtual Assistant avatarP*** Ma****ki, Musical Instrument Appraiser’s Assistant

OK. Got it. I’m sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully-refundable deposit now. While you’re filling out that form, I’ll tell the Musical Instrument Appraiser about your situation and then connect you two.

You

Wow, you will pay me $5,000? Wow that’s great, send it to me now please! btw – I also play the comb quite well.

Yeah right, I’m going to trust your secure page. You would think that whoever programs these websites could distinguish between a real request and nonsense.

Well it just goes to show you why people are fooled so easily. And I’m not even a Russian.

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